Monday, August 02, 2004

Not Enough Time to Live

Firstly, I want to thank everyone who has been wondering where I have been. It is really nice to know that I was missed, even if just a little bit. There doesn't seem to be enough time to do anything anymore. No, I'm not depressed, maybe a little. For a while, I was thinking that maybe I should quit blogging, but it's not so easy to do. I just didn't have the energy to post, but I did continue reading everyone's blogs when I could. What I found was that as we get to know each other better and better, personal truths come out over the network that we did not ever expect to reveal. I found that we all worry about each other and try to be supportive in difficult times. We even get into fights just like "real" friends and we make up just like "real" friends do. I guess we are real friends. I think it was AJ who mentioned that sometimes what you plan to post turns into something else entirely. Funny how that happens. I know that has happened to all of us at some point. It just happened to me. I was planning to write about our trip to California and it turned into a personal lament. I will write about California because it was a beautiful trip and a beautiful place, even though my marriage almost disintegrated in Pebble Beach. It's been disintegrating for quite some time now. I wonder if it will continue or will we be able to stop the bleeding. It's strange how every relationship is different even though we all have the same expectations. What one person will put up with, another cannot. I have been married for 34 years. We married as kids in college and weathered everything together. Ours was a normal marriage, We had a lot of fun in our 20's. It didn't even feel like we were married, just 2 kids living together with no money and little worldly goods. It's true, you can live on love, but just for a while. Then as is normal, we matured together and worked hard to build a life. We moved to the city and began building our careers and we still had fun. Next came kids with many years of great times and the usual troubles with little ones. Looking back, I think we lived a charmed life. If I could have known what was to happen, I would have..but no, what would I have done? Thank God I didn't know. We should have known it wouldn't last. Everything went downhill when our son was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. We weathered so much together, but this we couldn't weather. When catastrophe happened in our life, the world we knew suddenly turned upside down. Nothing was the same anymore. The fallout was that a marriage made of steel, suddenly snapped. Never to be the same again. Funny how life goes. Thank you for your gentle thoughts.


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