Maddysmind

Love & Death II

2006-08-08T15:30:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday. I am well into my middle years and I wish I was 25 again. Yes, I would do it all over. And no, if I had the good fortune of taking my experience along with me, I would not do it the same way. I would try something else. Having said that, how could that possibly happen? I would have to be a completely different person. One change in personality would change the way I experienced life from infancy to adulthood. That would change how I perceived, assimilated and reacted to all the experiences I have had. I would be a different person and would certainly have lived a different life.
However, given my inherent personality and character, if one change (out of my personal control) in my upbringing occurred, say maybe, my father was not an alcholic, or maybe my mother was not depressive, or maybe we lived in a comfortable, respectable & respectful home, or maybe anything... would that have changed the outcome of my life thus far? Maybe & maybe not. It is very possible that I would be in the same place I am now, albeit for different reasons. With a different perspective on life, the outcomes would have been different. Then again, if I ended up in a totally different life, would it be any better? Could be worse for all that!
My mother has been gone for 3 months now, She did not have a happy life but it was hers to have and she lived it the only way she could. Even if circumstances were different, would she have been able to find some enjoyment? Personality is everything.
What do you think? Are we all screwed from the get go and we just have to muddle through life the best way we can? With a little luck, we can end up in our middle years saying, yeah, so far it is all good.
Peace out!

Love & Death III

2005-04-15T17:16:00.000-05:00

Our good friend AJ' posted a reflection on the philosophical nature of maturity. AJ said, "Selflessness must be practiced over and over again in order to maintain its position of prominence in our way of thinking" (great sentence AJ!). To paraphrase: Selflessness = Maturity. I certainly agree, but who then is mature? Children can often display astonishingly mature behaviour, and adults astonishingly immature behaviour. Does that mean that given certain circumstances, everyone can be mature and immature no matter what their age? I think so.

I am usually considered a mature and reasonable woman. Even as a child I was considered "mature". Here I am, smack into my middle years but I recently made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Looking back at how it all transpired, I would like to think that this mistake was made out of misplaced "selflessness". However, I'm afraid it was selfishness all along the way. So am I mature? Yes, most of the time, but sometimes not. From now on, I will try to follow AJ's advice consciously, and practice selflessness over and over again. The following story is my personal fall from grace and subsequent redemption. My new motto: "Mature is as mature does".

My mother has lived in her old house for abut 50 years. Very little has been done to that house in all those years, so you can imagine the shape it's in. Over the years, we have tried to maintain it whenever we could. We could accomplish small tasks such as cleaning, painting, purchasing new furniture, changing fixtures. You know, all the necessary stuff that a house needs but our mom would not spend any money on. Even so, we could not keep up with the work, so the house today, in my opinion, is not fit for human habitation.

I have two brothers, one has lived with our mother for the past thiry five years. I will not go into why he never left home, because I am sure that any reason you can think of will be just as reliable as any reason I can think of. Nevertheless, he was there, and we were happy that he was. There are six of us and we all live in different parts of the country, so having our brother there with mom, meant that we could be free of any guilt about leaving her alone.

Now, this brother (John) we all love dearly. He really is a sweet soul. Except that he drinks. He does work, but he drinks. Even into her 80's mom would make dinner for John when he came home, washed his clothes and generally looked after him as she did when he was a child. He rarely lifted a finger to restore the house because mom never allowed him to do anything, except to repair something that requred immediate attention, such as leaky faucets etc. Mom's premise was that "this is an old house and I won't spend any of my money fixing it because it isn't worth it". Make any sense? No, but what can one do? So John just lived there, free of charge, no rent, no houshold bills and minimal amounts for food. For all this he was to "look after" mom, take her shopping, be around in case of emergencies and generally do what he wants. Not bad work if you want it. I certainly couldn't do it. My mom would have driven me nuts within a week let alone thirty five years. I think I can speak for the other four siblings when I say that. So, thanks John for all your years of filial duty.
Mom passed away at home this past January, and the six of us inherited an equal share of the estate. One of my sisters was the Executor of the estate and that in itself caused mamouth problems with our brothers. What was the selfish mistake I made you may be asking by now? Well, Sister & I put the house on the market for sale thinking that such an old dilapidated place would take months to sell. John would have time to get used to moving and all would be well. The house sold within two days and John had three months to move. The only home John has ever known and fifty years of family accumulation needed to be moved very quickly. The proverbial sh.. hit the fan and Sister & I were the family pariahs. It was a mistake from the beginning. I, in my maturity and experience, should have known that one must never make hurried decisions in times of emotional distress. In fact, I have even advised others of making such a mistake, but I didn't take my own advice. If I ever believed in God, now was the time to start praying for forgiveness and how to make restitution to our brother, a person who has always been kind to everyone. My next post will complete this story of selfishness, selflessness, maturity, and responsibility and brotherly love.

Love & Death

2005-03-07T14:59:00.000-06:00

My last post was about my mother's stroke just before Christmas. Two weeks after being admitted to hospital, mom was assessed and sent home to recover. She was not admitted to a recovery faciity as none was available in her town. Had she been "at death's door" (so to speak), some poor old soul would have been bumped from the line up and mom would have been admitted. We were informed that long term health care philosophy was to send patients home with some public support systems. It would be the responsibility of the family to look after their ailing senior. Primary support would be expected from family members, secondary support would be visitations by a homecare worker, and tertiary support would be a weekly/biweekly visit from a nurse. This sounds highly expensive and it is. However, it is actually much more cost effective than hospital care.
Sending mom home seemed inhumane at the time - mom couldn't walk without help, she had lost her voice, and her house was not suitable for an invalid (we thought). I now think that the policy is a good one as everyone wants and needs the security of their own home and if they are dying, that is where they want to die. Some make it and live a while longer and some don't. The point being that at least they are at home.
The main problem with the system to my mind, is that not everyone has loving family members who can provide loving support. Then again, they may be the lucky ones. They are taken care of in their own homes by professionals visiting a few times a day, who then leave them in peace to lay there until such time as the next visit. Maybe a radio is left on for the poor soul to listen to. Quite likely social service volunteers come and stay with them. Now, the lucky patient with the loving family members, is lying in bed and listening to the loving family members who are all in the house quarreling about what is best for the patient and fighting the same old family feuds. Lucky indeed!

What Life Brings

2004-12-22T10:11:00.000-06:00

My 87 year old mother suffered from a small stroke recently. My daughter and I flew out west to see her. She is recovering but of course nothing will be the same anymore. It is very unlikely that she will be able to live on her own anymore. Medical cutbacks have made it impossible for her to be placed in a care facility so she went home. We (the 6 siblings) will need to take our turns in staying with her. We all live in different parts of the country so that means a lot of travelling etc. Somehow, we will work it out. Things seem to be falling into place but that was not the way it all started out, and I am sure that there will be a lot of trouble yet, concerning our mother's wellbeing, her financial situation and the tug of war between brothers and sisters.
They say that fiction mimics reality and the drama played out while our mother was in hospital would rival any paperback novel. There is nothing like the responsibilty for an ailing parent who will not return to good health, to bring out the worst (& sometimes the best) in a family. Right now one of my sisters ( & that's a story in iteself) is looking after her until the 28th of December. My daughter will be flying out again in the 1st week of January for about a month, after that, we shall see.

I wish all my friends in Blogland a peace filled and loving Christmas with their loved ones. Thank you all for your caring and I will continue when I can.

Street Legal Part VIII

2004-08-23T13:48:00.001-05:00

At the hearing, each member asked Sally a number of questions. She had to explain herself and defend her position. It seemed to me that as the questions and answers progressed, they were geared to culminate in a bad showing on Sally's part. Some of the time, I felt that she was being railroaded into answering negatively and other times I was afraid they were going to say she was just fine, needed a good dose of tough love and sent on her way. One of the final questions was asked by a psychiatrist, regarding hanging from her toes 5 stories above the ground. Until then, Sally's actions seemed to be regarded as highly self destructive. This doctor said, "By the way, have you had any gymnastics training?" Sally replies, "Tons, I was enrolled in gymnastics every year from the time I was 5 until 16, and I am particularly good on the parallel bars, would you like me to show you some of my best moves?" After we all had a good laugh, she was asked why she did it, her reply was that someone dared her, she needed the money and knew she could do it. She ended with "do you think I'm nuts? I wouldn't do anything on a dare that could kill me, would you?" It was funny at the time, but it did put into perspective that although her behavior was dangerous, it was less dangerous for her than for someone else and at least she was thinking, maybe not well, but still thinking.

The evaluation was that Sally was not psychotic, nor was she normal. She required behavior modification, drug rehab. and a good dose of introspection. It was recommended that Sally check herself into a 6 week program (at the same hospital) with a followup in 3 weeks time. Sally said yes. Both her mother and I were very relieved to hear this because by the time she would be released, it would be fall, and too cold to go back to the streets. Maybe she would go home.

Sally stayed in hospital for 2 weeks. I came to see her everyday during the first week. Sometimes she was in good spirits, others not so good. Most of the time she was like a little child needing her mother. I did what I could to help her, mostly it was just bringing her pretty underwear, a teddy, chocolate and cigarettes. The second week, Sally started acting out aggressively. I saw her twice that week at her request. The week after that, Sally was back in the park. Some of her park friends arrived for a visit and she signed herself out. She was gone.

It was now the end of September, and most of the park kids had gone home, after all, summer fun was over and school was in session once again. We didn't hear from Sally for another 2 weeks, then one day, she phoned and said that she wanted to go home. I purchased a bus ticket for Sally and put her on the next bus for home. I was relieved to see the last of her I confess.

Sally went home, tried to work for a while, but then left again for the coast. She sought out a "commune" and has been living this lifestyle since then. At the commune, each member must be willing to carry their share of responsibility and at the same time, there seems to be a sense of personal freedom associated with that lifestyle. I think Sally found her spot within the commune, at least I hope so. We don't hear too much about Sally anymore. She keeps in touch with her parents from time to time, so I guess no news is good news.

One beautiful fall day, I was in the city on business, and out of curiosity, I thought I would drive over to the park to see if anyone was still hanging out there. I parked and took a look around. All the homeless seemed to have left. There were one or two old fellows lying on the grass, but mostly, the park was just that, a park. I was about to leave when a group of 6 girls arrived. They were wearing the uniforms of a closeby private girls school and had school backpacks loaded with books. One began swearing like a sailor into her cell phone. Now, I've heard colorful language before and used it myself from time to time, but I never heard such verbage as that from the mouth of this "upper class" girl! She, a privileged 16 year old along with her privileged friends had come to the park to buy and sell drugs. She was upbraiding her dealer for being late for their appointment, and if he didn't get his #&%xx!ass over there within 5 minutes she and her friends would be dealing with his rival across the street forever! After that her voice changed and I heard, "Hi mom, yeah, we're in the park hanging out, what are we having for dinner? yeah, I'll be home soon, love you too". I left. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Peace out!

Comments from last Post

2004-08-23T01:47:00.000-05:00

Again, I have to respond to my readers in a post as I have more characters than alloted. I would purchase further capacity if my bloglife was not covert. It is so I can't. Thank you gentle readers for your comments.
Kevin,
Thank you for your comment. I thought the same way before all this happened, but I have found over the years that one can never judge how another reacts to life events. Our life experiences and our personalities (mindsets) dictate our reactions to events in our lives. We all have a breaking point and who knows what it takes to reach that break. Some lucky souls may never experience that point in life. The rest of us, well, who knows how we will react. Peace to you..

Vader, why do some people manage to survive terrible life circumstances and others do not? Why did Frances Farmer self destruct? Why Jim Morrison, why Jimi Hendricks, why Kurt Cobain? why anyone? And why do other survive? Gods grace or personal integrity? Either way, we will never know, just hope we are one of them. Love to you..

Jake, my friend, thank you. All this is now past and eveyone has moved on to new circumstances. Whether or not the circumstances are better depends on each person. Father - new marriage, Mother - still smoking up with young people, Sally - unsettled lifestyle, Brother - hurting but ok so far. xxoo

Jamie, no Sally didn't have chance. I think she did the best she could in an abnormal household. No one was in charge, so the child takes charge. Tried to Link to mental health site but its all messed up. That's what I get for trying to think I am so smart! Love to you and hope your mom is doing well.

Leese, thank you for caring. And thank you for all your support. You are one fine lady. I dare say that you would have done the same in the same circumstances, as would have most of our friends here. Love...

Thanks Esther, yes, all has turned out as well as could be expected. Everyone is still alive and living their lives the way they want. xxoo

Aimee, funny how life is. Yes, it seems that we all follow the path laid out. I have always been a non professional 'caregiver'. It's not a role I would have liked (I always wanted to be a pampered bitch eating chocolates and doing my nails in bed) but there you have it. Everyone is always telling me how "wonderful" I am, but I don't feel that way really. Most of the women I know, you included, do much more than I do. I am always looking for advise and have found it in real life and here in Blogland. I have probably told all of you too much already. One funny thing about me is that most people will sooner or later tell me everything. I wouldn't say I'm a great listener, but I try. Another thing, I forget the details of all this personal information, and that's probably good because then I can't go repeating stuff. Yes, I am strong, but only until my son takes a turn for the worse, then I'm a mess. So far, he is doing well but it's always an up and down existence for him and for us. Thanks for your loving comments. xxoo

Street Legal Part Vll

2004-08-19T14:41:00.000-05:00

Sally was of course in the locked ward, so when I arrived at the hospital, I had to show ID before I was let in. There are quite a few locked wards, women's section, men's section, childrens, general etc. Depending on individual cases and the circumstances of each, a patient is assigned a specific ward. Sally was in the general ward. That meant there were both men and women of all ages except small children residing there. It is very quiet, more so than regular hospital wards. This is deliberate as mentally ill people do much better if there is serenity. I guess we all do in fact. A very sweet nurse took me to Sally's room and cautioned me to not be afraid of what I was to see. Sally was being restrained for her own protection. Nothing on earth will ever rid me of the image. There she was, this tiny 85 lb. girl, wrapped in white sheets but with both wrists tied to the rails. One ankle was also tied to a rail. The other was loose as it was quite chaffed from Sally's struggling against the restraints. She had been given a sedative but was fairly alert. "So much for freedom" says Sally, as ever, the cryptic one. I think that a mothering instinct sets in when you see such vulnerability. I just held her restrained hand and talked about the family. I told her that her mom (D) was coming, and isn't it just the way, even with the worst of mothers, children's eyes light up when they hear that word! MOM. At this point I wasn't very impressed with D's past behavior, but I would learn to be more tolerant.
Sally was ok, she was calm, and began to relax a little after I arrived. I suppose she didn't feel so alone anymore. At least I hope so. I didn't stay long that day, as Sally was being sedated quite heavily and she needed a lot of sleep.
I called D as soon as I returned home. I actually expected to hear that she was on her way to the city. But no, she decided that she really didn't need to come right away. She would arrive in time for the Hearing. Now, to my way of thinking, if it had been my child, I would have been on an airplane the moment I received the call that my child was in trouble. But D decided that Sally was fine in hospital, so she would come and spend a day or two after the hearing. She would go to the park and talk to some of Sally's "friends", walk around the area, and visit with Sally, then return home.
I didn't see Sally the next day, as a Social Worker called and said that Sally had a bad night and needed the day to recouperate. Her night was terrible because her body and mind were reacting to fear of the unknown, as well as all the street drugs she had ingested over time. I arrived for the afternoon hearing on day 3. D was there. Sally was dressed, and looking quite refreshed condsidering all her bruises, cuts and infected mouth piercing.
I had known D for many years, we became friends when Sally's father and D met in University. We weren't close, but I knew her personality well. She was a "Hippy" then and she remained true to her "Hippy"nature. Most "Hippies" grew older, grew up, and moved on, but D remained the same. She was always a very nice "laid back" girl, she still is. The only problem was, and still is , no one told her that smoking cigarettes, reefers and other drugs with your child and her friends was not really a good idea. D's father's philosophy was that he had no right to impose his will on anyone even if he disagreed with their actions. So in essence he disagreed with D's smoking dope with his child, but hey, if that was her decision what could he do? Sally asked me to take notes at the hearing so that she would have information if anything went wrong.
Seated at a boardroom table were about 10 people including Sally who was given a seat in the middle of one side. Her assigned psychiatrist flanked her on one side and her social worker on the other. The others in the room were various doctors, and a citizens advocate from where I am not sure anymore. D and I were given seats behind all of these people. As Sally was over 16 she had to speak for herself. A parent has no input unless asked specific questions from either their child or a member of the Board. I was there for moral support for both D and Sally. I'm afraid I needed it as well. It was quite intimidating at the time. However, Sally did extremely well, being an articulate and gifted girl. I was afraid D was going to pass out a couple of times though. Fear, no cigarettes or dope and no alcholol for three hours can be taxing indeed! By the time the hearing was complete, I needed a drink too!
Final installment to follow.

Street Legal Part VI

2004-08-19T08:38:00.000-05:00

Aside:
I have started this last episode about 5 times and deleted everything I've written. It just doesn't sound right. I am trying to make sense of what happened next, correctly remember all that transpired and wondering what to include and what to leave out. Many of the comments I received praised me for my part in this story, and I thank everyone very much. However, I think when called upon, most people would step in and attempt to do what they could in the same circumstances. I have not tried to make myself a hero, I just want to write about the facts as they transpired. I don't even know if there is a moral to this story. Maybe it is just an episode in my journey through life and it is I who must learn from it rather than Sally. I hope I have. I will try to start again and if some facts are not exactly correct, I apologize to you my readers, Sally and her parents.

The Social Worker who contacted me on the morning after my last visit to the park, said that Sally was taken to the hospital and placed under a 72 hour assessment period. That meant for 3 days she would be stabilized, and her general mental and physical health would be evaluated. A staff meeting would then be held and a decision would be made whether or not Sally would be discharged, allowed to stay voluntarily for 6 weeks of therapy or be assessed as dangerous to herself and/or others and further action would be taken.
Sally had given them my name as the person to call. She wanted me to be at her Hearing in 3 days time and she gave her permission for me to come to the hospital to see her. I don't remember if I was called first or Sally's parents. I hope they were called first, I know that I called her mother immediately. I don't remember if they already knew of Sally's predicament or not. Sally's mother said she was making arrangements to come to the city as soon as possible.
I went to see Sally that morning. I was not really looking forward to this as I had been through the mental health system with my son, and going to this hospital to support another patient was not easy. I did not want the responsibility. It is one thing if your own child is in trouble. Then as a parent you will fight, scream, do anything to get the help they need. You have that control. Someone else's child is another matter altogether. However, I learned some valuable life lessons when trying to advocate for "someone else's" child. I am going to state those lessons here before I forget or loose sight of them.
1. Never judge how other parents react to high degrees of anxiety regarding their children.
2. Advocating for someone who is not your immediate family but is very important to you can result in rational and sound decision making. I don't know if this holds true if you are advocating for someone with whom you have no strong emotional attachment. I hope that it does.
3. The "system" at least as I know it in the western world, is there to support its citizens as humanly as possible.
4. A person in distress will be better served by the system if they are fortunate enough to have someone who will never let go of them. I learned this lesson when my son was so very ill, and it was the same with Sally. I believe the same holds true for all people including wayward children, street people, everybody.
5. This is a very difficult concept to live by.
6. Am I my brother's keeper. (Gen. ch.4 v.9) Yes, I am. If we as humans do not look out for each other, celebrate the good in each other and reject the bad (very important), we cannot flourish.
7. This also is a very difficult concept to live by.

This is all for now, I must go and do a work out now and calm myself down a bit. Peace Out!

Comments Fom Last Post

2004-08-17T02:08:00.000-05:00

I reeceived some very interesting comments from my last post. (Street Legal Part V). I tried to reply to them but I was not allowed to do so because the comments would have reached over 1000 characters and I will need to upgrade. So I will post my comments here. If anyone else wants to comment please do. This is a topic that may bring insight into a serious societal problem. Thanks.

Jake the Lad stated that we are often frivolous in our treatment of others. I think that is what you meant Jake?

Jake, I believe that our laws are frivolous in allowing people to live on the street. My feeling is that we should be tougher but society does not allow us to force our wills on others. I guess that is our right as individuals - to be frivolous with our lives if we so wish.

Todd V stated that we should not allow our loved ones to live on the street. Very interesting comment.

Todd V, just how do you get someone off the street when they are of age (over 15) and will not go with you or listen to reason? Do you kidnap them and then take them to an institution to deprogram then? What do you do when they run from the institution and go back to the steeet? These are the questions and dilemmas parents whose children are on the street have to deal with all the time. The law does not allow us to kidnap people. If kids are 14 or under the police can pick them up. Other than that, there is nothing we can do. Even being a good parent doesn't always work with some kids. They just don't behave in the ways we expect. Also, no one is coddled on the street Todd V, not aunts trying to help, not kids crying in the park because someone beat them up, no one. It is a very selfish and cruel place. Unfortunately, by the time this lesson is learned by some kids, it is too late. If anyone is coddled it's the street people. Society gives them food, sleeping bags, free clinics, free needle exchanges, clothes, shelter and chances to get off the street. Why don't they? Maybe we give them too much. I don't know. Thank you for your comment. I'm glad you will keep reading my posts as I do yours.

Kevin, what you say is true. All we can do is assure our loved ones that we will help when they are ready to accept it, and of course follow through if they ask for help. Very complicated problems. Thank you for your insight you really said it all.

Esther related a story of concerning what can happen when we try to help.
Esther, these terrible situations with kids happen all over the world. We all try to help but often it ends in disaster. There just doesn't seem to be any way to adequately address this problem.

On my next post, I will conclude my story about Sally and what happened to her after she was brought to the hospital and where she is today.Thank you everyone

Street Legal Part V

2004-08-13T14:54:00.000-05:00

I've written about our niece Sally and her forays into the underbelly of society. I will continue with her story. It was now apparent to us that Sally was truly living on the streets. That meant sleeping in parks, lying around on the sidewalks and panhandling. There was little we could do for her other than keep in touch and hope she would decide to go home soon. Sally called me about once a week. Our conversations consisted of: "Aunt Maddy?" "Hi Sally how are you?" silence. "What's wrong Sally?" silence. "Are you hurt" "Yes". "Are you alright now ?" "No". "Do you want me to come down?" "Yes". "Do you want me to come down right now?" "Yes."
I would then drop whatever I was doing and drive downtown. It would take me about 40 minutes to get to Sally's home park. Each visit would be similar. I would bring something Sally needed, such as antibiotic ointment, bandaids, chocolate bars, toothpaste, new socks, underwear.
Sally's home was a little parkette in the Soho District of our city. As I described in a previous post, this area was inundated with panhandllers and other street people. You could barely walk by without being accosted for money. Sally fit right in. I would park my car in an alley beside the parkette and just ask anyone around if they had seen Sally. Someone would get up and wander down the street. In a few minutes, Sally would show up and we would drive to a resturant away from the area. (Sally's choice). I suppose she wanted to get away if for only just an hour. This weekly visit became a ritual. The park kids were soon calling me "Aunt Maddy". As soon as they would see my car, one would go look for Sally. They always found her for me.
Invariably, Sally would have a new physical injury. The first week, it was a shoulder blade that was twisted. Her explanation was that she jumped on some guy's back to protect her "friend". Another week is was an infected nose ring, and another was an ulcerated wound on her leg. This explanation was falling off a bike. All these injuries were treated at a free clinic in the area, but living on the dirty street did not aid healing, so Sally was always suffering.
I believe Sally called me becasue she needed mothering. I tried not to be judgemental but I think she often wanted to hear that I disapproved of her lifestyle as it was not a good for her, but cared for her anyway. Unfortunately, her own mother was not a "mothering" kind of woman so at the time I guess I filled that role.
Each week I went to see Sally, she was thinner and more ragged looking. Even though a larger park a block away had outdoor showers available for public use, the grime, grit and dirt clung to everything and no amount of showers could keep anyone clean while living on the street . Also, I think that even with the showers available, many homeless don't use them too often because they don't have soap, towels, clean clothes and mostly they lack the will to feel good about themselves.
Sally was deteriorating daily, but we couldn't do anything to help. I spoke to the police who were always around keeping an eye on the park, and was told that the law stated that unless she became a danger to herself or others, we could do nothing. They said that the best I could do was to continue visiting the parkette and to continue watching out for her. I became "Aunt Maddy" to the police as well as the street kids in the parkette.
I could never could fathom why seemingly bright, healthy and good young people opted to live this life. Certainly there were mentally ill people, and runaway abused kids, but the majority were just average kids from suburbs and small towns. Most were rebelling against parental rules and planned to go back home to school in the fall. Some made it home and some did not.
Street life is very intersting on many levels. It's a family, it's a tribe and it's a culture. It is a haven for the homeless, but it is also a nightmare. Those who leave home because they reject parental authority, quickly find that the street has an authority far darker than parental restrictions could ever be. A runaway who experienced abuse at home, would find the same treatment on the street. The mentally ill, have the worst experiences on the street. They are the least protected and they are prey for every kind of cruelty. Women on the street, like the mentally ill, are also prey for every kind of degradation. Our society allows all this misery in the name of individual freedom.
One day I decided to just go down to the park and try to discover what was really happening to Sally. Since I was known to the "family" of homeless in that area, I was hoping they would talk to me. They did.
I parked my car in the alley and sat down on the grass beside a group of girls. If they hadn't known me, they would never have allowed me to "invade their space". The homeless are very protective of their individual space. We talked a little about the weather etc. I then asked them to tell me about Sally. Sally, as it turned out, despite her tiny size, became belligerant and combative when she was high. She would fight with anyone including the biggest guys around. All those injuries were now explained. She was just trying to hold her own in a primative world where the strong survived. I was told that if she didn't get out of this lifestyle very soon, she would die. I believed them. I knew that she had been beaten, and raped, I just don't know how many times. I asked the girls to tell Sally I had been by and that she should call me as soon as possible. Sally didn't call me, but a social worker with our major mental health facility called me the next morning. Sally was alive and had been admitted under the 72 hour assessment policy. One of the homeowners whose townhouse overlooks the park called the police. At 5 a.m. on a Sunday morning, Sally was hanging by her feet, face down 5 stories above the ground. She was finally a danger to herself.

Not Enough Time to Live

2004-08-02T14:32:00.000-05:00

Firstly, I want to thank everyone who has been wondering where I have been. It is really nice to know that I was missed, even if just a little bit. There doesn't seem to be enough time to do anything anymore. No, I'm not depressed, maybe a little. For a while, I was thinking that maybe I should quit blogging, but it's not so easy to do. I just didn't have the energy to post, but I did continue reading everyone's blogs when I could. What I found was that as we get to know each other better and better, personal truths come out over the network that we did not ever expect to reveal. I found that we all worry about each other and try to be supportive in difficult times. We even get into fights just like "real" friends and we make up just like "real" friends do. I guess we are real friends. I think it was AJ who mentioned that sometimes what you plan to post turns into something else entirely. Funny how that happens. I know that has happened to all of us at some point. It just happened to me. I was planning to write about our trip to California and it turned into a personal lament. I will write about California because it was a beautiful trip and a beautiful place, even though my marriage almost disintegrated in Pebble Beach. It's been disintegrating for quite some time now. I wonder if it will continue or will we be able to stop the bleeding. It's strange how every relationship is different even though we all have the same expectations. What one person will put up with, another cannot. I have been married for 34 years. We married as kids in college and weathered everything together. Ours was a normal marriage, We had a lot of fun in our 20's. It didn't even feel like we were married, just 2 kids living together with no money and little worldly goods. It's true, you can live on love, but just for a while. Then as is normal, we matured together and worked hard to build a life. We moved to the city and began building our careers and we still had fun. Next came kids with many years of great times and the usual troubles with little ones. Looking back, I think we lived a charmed life. If I could have known what was to happen, I would have..but no, what would I have done? Thank God I didn't know. We should have known it wouldn't last. Everything went downhill when our son was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. We weathered so much together, but this we couldn't weather. When catastrophe happened in our life, the world we knew suddenly turned upside down. Nothing was the same anymore. The fallout was that a marriage made of steel, suddenly snapped. Never to be the same again. Funny how life goes. Thank you for your gentle thoughts.

Try taking a holiday!

2004-07-15T19:02:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was our annual "couples" golf tournament. Every year in July we go up to our friends cottages (we don't have one, being the poor cousins) for a weekend of golf, partying, blackflies and mosquitos. Great fun! We don't golf with our respective husbands and we don't play in the same foursome as our husbands as that would be no fun at all. The losers the previous years game have to make up the rules for the following year and also have to wait on the rest of us during our post golf party. This year my husband (A) and his partner had to make up the rules. Normally, A and his partner win all the time as A is an excellent golfer. The reason they lost last year and two years ago was because the rules were set to make sure A could not win. (he really likes this kind of attention). This year A's rules were as follows: we were allowed to use only 2 to 4 clubs, our choice of club. The higher the skill level the fewer the clubs. - playing alternate shots. The first putt was to be played with eyes closed. The second putt could be with eyes open. Silly rules but we had fun. I should say that A always plays with between 1 and 3 clubs and shoots in the mid 70's, so he's pretty good. The rest of us usually need most of our clubs. He sponsors a "One Club" competition at his golf course every year and he gets a lot of participation, so I guess the guys have fun with this format. Anyway, my partner and I squeaked by and so we do not have to worry all year about the rules. We partied Friday night at a nearby summer resort, Saturday we golfed and partied at our friends cottage (it's on an island so we had to boat to it) Sunday we took a long boat ride around the very large lake. Fabulous cottages everywhere! We docked at another golf club resort and had lunch. All in all we were on the water for about 3 hours. As lovely as it was, I have had my fill of boats for about 5 years! We left cottage country on Sunday and headed for home. However, we had to make a further stop for 2 days. A and some of his usual golf buddies were invited to participate in another golf tournament sponsored by a Casino. Our hotel and expenses were paid by the Casino (as long as you spent your money there). Sunday night we were treated to a great concert by Martina McBride. She's a beautiful singer and a beautiful person. Monday A golfed and I went for a walk, lazed around the hotel room, read and slept. I needed it after 3 days of steady partying! We were treated to a great dinner and pointed in the direction of the Casino. Now, I hate gambling. I don't understand it, it makes me sick to my stomach seeing all that hard earned money disappear, and it's so noisy! A, on the other hand, just loves it. He loves the action, the ambience, the high, everything, His favorite game is craps. I am relieved to say that A's gambling that night netted us a few more dollars than we walked in the door with. It could easily have gone the other way and has in the past. I'm very glad that there are no casinos within an hours drive of our home. All in all, it turned out to be a very good 4 day weekend.
However, 4 days are a long time in Blog World and when I returned to my blogger friends I felt like I was out of the loop. So much had been written by everyone and I'm still not up to date on all the posts. I must catch up or I will be left behind in the dust! I was sad to read that The Grave Digger has been put to rest. I hope he reincarnates somewhere and maybe we can be a part of his new life. I need a least a week to read all Jakes stories. The girls are all getting more and more raunchy and I'm not sure this is at all healthy but, what the hell! AJ's story is both heartbreaking and life affirming. Leese is not losing it yet nor will she ever, I must try her recipes very soon. South Africa is calling me and tomorrow is another day. Love to one and all!

Street Legal Part lV

2004-07-08T13:18:00.000-05:00

THE ONGOING SAGA OF OUR NIECE SALLY'S LIFE ON THE STREET.
Sally called me again about 2 weeks after she had been turfed from the flop house (Street Legal III) and said she had been living in a nice house with a group of nice people. As a gesture of goodwill towards her roommates, she would like to purchase groceries again, about $200.00 worth. One would think that we had learned from our previous experience regarding groceries and Sally's real need for them. But, we didn't. My husband and I went out to purchase the required groceries and we delivered them to the address provided. Sally was there as were about 10 other people, all of whom lived in the house. Naturally, we expected to be introduced to the householders as we came in with all this loot. No one so much as smiled and certainly there were no "hellos". It was painfully obvious that something was amiss. Sally herself was flitting about in a very agitated manner. She was of course on uppers of some sort. We deposited the food and we had barely crossed the threshold when the door slammmed behind us. My husband, myself and Sally were left standing on the street. I had never been given the bum's rush before but here we were. "O.K. Sally", I said, "Tell us what this is all really about". Sally did not live in this house, but her drug dealers did. She had been using and was unable to pay. She knew that she couldn't hit us up for money, but we were a soft touch for groceries. So in fact, we paid Sally's drug bill with unwanted groceries. Her father had advised in the beginning to not give her anything other than a few dollars now and then. Now we knew why. But still, it's very difficult to harden yourself to such a situation. Had we done so, Sally may have ended up hooking for the payment. Now we had to finally accept that our niece Sally that sweet, gifted child was a liar, hard drug user, and quite possibly was or soon would be a hooker.
Next post: Sally's headfirst fall into disaster

Tech Errors

2004-07-06T05:49:00.000-05:00

What did I do? I tried to include Haloscan and Links but Haloscan seems to be up but not Links, and I have all those #'s on my headings. Can anyone tell me how to fix this? Thanks.

Mental Illness

2004-07-03T10:25:00.000-05:00

O.K. Vadergrrrl opened the can of worms first. Vadergrrl has clinical depression. Her site was inundated with sympathy from her readers and confessions from fellow bloggers who suffered from similar conditions. My husband suffers from depression/bipolar. When his first episode happened we really didn't know what it was all about. Normally a positive type, he would sit at the kitchen table and deteriorate right in front of my eyes. We had two young kids to take care of so I didn't really have time for a man who I thought was feeling sorry for himself. Personally, I thought that this might be the culmination of years of drinking too much, and I was almost glad it was happening. Maybe now he would pull himself together and stop drinking.I thought that he should be able to do this because after all, I have been depressed from time to time but always talked myself back to normalacy. He should be able to do so too if he were any kind of a man. For about 6 months he functioned on this "subsistence" level then went to see a psychiatrist.
He returned with prozac. The psychiatrist wanted to talk to me too, so I went to his next appointment. It was a good thing I went, even 'tho I still thought my husband was "faking" it, after all, he was still making money, going out with friends, golfing, sex. I just didn't know how hard it was for him to do all these normal everyday activities (except for the sex part, that seemed to be the only area of his life that worked well). Over the the next few years,I learned about clinical depression - medications, seratonin, dopamine, histamine, and all the other brain chemicals and their functions. It's a damn good thing too, because if I had know what was in store for us down the road, I would have taken all those pills myself. I would need all the knowledge and experience I could get helping someone with a mental illness because in 1998, my beautiful 18 year old boy was afflicted with schizophrenia. Now I know what Hell is. Get better Vadergrrl and everyone else suffering from depression, bi-polar, and the vast array of mental illness out there. Love to all and Keep on Truckin'

Street Legal Part lll

2004-07-01T12:58:00.000-05:00

We didn't hear from Sally for about two weeks, and we hadn't even seen her yet. All our conversations had been by phone. But other relatives in the city did hear from her. Another brother-in-law lived in the city as well. He told Sally's father that she was welcome in his home, but he wouldn't give her any money she didn't earn. She could come and help his wife (Sally's aunt)with housework, and he would pay her for her time. At first I thought that seemed mean-spirited for an uncle, but actually it was a very good plan. Sally did make her way over to her uncle's house, but the plan did not work out.
When she arrived, she was dirty and strung out on chemicals of some sort. Sally is a fine boned very small girl who would normally not weigh more that 100 lbs. But she had lost a lot of weight since she came to the city. Nose rings and other piercings are mainstream now, but all these adornments do not look good when the body is not clean. Our Sally had many of these and most looked infected. Now my brother-in-law has a 4 year old who had just recuperated from a serious lung infection. She was healthy now but they needed to take care in order for her lungs to get stronger. One look a Sally and that was enough to scare them. She never was invited back again.
I received a call from Sally shortly thereafter. Sally was no longer living in the fetid apartment I described previously. She had a fight with the occupants and left to sleep in the park the day after my daughter and I delivered our groceries. The park was certainly more sanitary that that apartment. In fact the rent had not been payed and everyone was thrown out. The baby was also living on the streets by this time.
Sally was living in a park in the inner city soho area. This was a very "in" street where good outdoor cafe's were situated next to junk furniture stores which were next to avante garde artists stores and others. You know that area, every city has them and they are very popular for a few years until another area takes over. There are quite a lot of parks around the soho area and Sally's home was one of them.
I got the directions for her home park and was told that I should just show up and ask anyone if they had seen Sally. She would be found for me. That summer my weekly drives into the city looking for Sally and talking to many homeless kids (and adults) became a part of my life, and I a part of theirs. This is where my new role as "Sally's Aunt Maddy" came into being. And oh yes, please don't forget to bring a chocolate bar or two, preferably milk chocolate with peanutbutter.

BBQ

2004-07-01T12:20:00.000-05:00

My yearly BBQ went well last night. Everyone had a very good time. One of my friends failed to show up. She said she would never miss one of my parties and then she did. I think, they just plain forgot and went up to their cottage right after work. I don't know about some people and their cottages, it's like they just luuuuv their cottage and can't wait to see it again. Anyway they will pay. We are going up there next weekend and I will make them feel ashamed for ditching me for a cottage. She will have to give me 16 strokes on every hole when we have our golf game. That'll teach her to ditch me again.
The garden looked like the Survivor set with candles and torches everywhere and lots of flowers. Beautiful. My son set us up with some good music. Drinks were in tubs of ice and everyone helped themselves. I bbqed a huge ribeye roast and a salmon for those who don't like meat. Is there anyone out there who does'nt like a hunk of delicious BBQed Beef? I thought not.
We had lots of appetizers but no one likes veggies and dip anymore. They were waiting for the beef. I made garlic mashed potatoes and roasted red peppers, great big Portobello mushrooms and eggplant on the BBQ. We had a salad of course and all kinds of other things like pickles etc. They ate everything in sight. Desserts were fruit, cheese, cake, cookies. They ate all that too. No one got drunk and fell into the pool. Last year my husband and my best friend held hands and took a flying leap. Silly fools! I guess they are too old for such childish antics now. Anyway it was a lovely evening. As far as I know everyone made it home safely because the police didn't come and charge us with failing to keep our drunken guests off the road. However, I think that Maddy maybe drank just a little too much. She spilled her red wine all over her white dress and went to bed.

Quickie

2004-06-30T11:56:00.000-05:00

Not that kind, sorry. This is just a quick post before I get to work on the BBQ. My guests will arrive and I will still be sitting here with all of you. It has come to mind that blogging and commenting is the new way like minded people get together. By like minded, I mean those who need to talk, write, recite, paint pictures etc. You know, creative people. Down through the ages artists and writers went to cafe's and bars to meet with friends and chat about all life's issues. Hemmingway went to his bar in Key West, got stinking drunk, fought with everybody and went home and wrote beautiful stories. Van Gogh, sat in a cafe in Arles everyday, drank cheap wine, annoyed everyone around him, went home and painted masterpieces. Many many more would (and still do) eat, talk, laugh, drink, fight, make love and go home and write. Here in Bloggland, some of us are good writers, others not so good, but we all have something to say and we are all listening. We don't all agree but that is as it should be. We could never learn if we agreed on everything. Books wouldn't be written, articles wouldn't be published, poems wouldn't be recited and pictures wouldn't be painted. Either way, blogging is the new way to reach out to others. All I can say is for me, it is emotionally uplifting and that's probably why I am so addicted to this new communication and learning tool. I love blogging, but I need to learn more about this medium. Good blogging and good reading to one and all!

Cable Down!

2004-06-29T17:12:00.000-05:00

I am orchestrating a big B.B.Q tomorrow night so I have been out shopping all day. When I got home, I didn't even put the groceries away. I needed to get to my computer to find out what was happening in Bloggland. My cable was down! Oh, my God! What to do? I called the cable company and they said the whole area is out so I can't even go to the library for the next 17 hours. Think Maddy, Yes! AOL! and my laptop! Thank the Lord for AOL. It's a good thing I went to the trouble of finding a telephone cord, plugging in my laptop and calling up Bloggland because while I was busy getting a life, everyone had lots to say and needed my comments on just about everything. I feel great! And now I can go put away my groceries and plan the B.B.Q. Maybe I'll just take one more look at all the blogs before I put the groceries away. It'll only take a minute.

Nothing New Under the Sun

2004-06-28T11:46:00.000-05:00

A fellow Blogger AJ, "All Your Bloggs Are Belong To Us" posted a story about an old friend whose wife took him away from all his buddies and kept him for herself. Why do some marriages end up that way? The answer to that question lies within both the man and woman. The signs of a person's weaknesses are always there for us to read. The trouble is, most of us can't read the signs, especially when we are young. For example, moodiness to the young doesn't mean that this person has a potential mental health issue down the road, it means that he is an angry young man with a problem with society. And what can be more sexy than an angry young man? Books and screen plays are written about this human frailty.
How many times have we all said, I'm not surprised ... ran away, went to jail, committed suicide, got divorced etc. etc. He was always depressive, unhappy, angry, rude, etc, etc. We just don't look for the signs, and when we do see them we can't read them. When we manage to read them, it's too late. AJ's friend knew his future wife was reclusive. The signs were in her personality long before their marriage. Then again, AJ's friend himself, needed what this woman provided during their dating, and whatever her behavior was, he found it attractive. If we look at our own relationships we would see many instances where the ability to sign read would have saved us a lot of heartache. That doesn't mean that we would or should dissolve the relationship. We would be more likely to go into the relationship with our eyes open and better equipped to deal with issues head on should any arise. And arise they will sooner or later. It could be immediate, 5 years down the road or 35 years. Heaven help us all preserve our patience, sense of humor and personal integrity. Here's to Psychoanalysis!

Street Legal Part II

2004-06-28T09:06:00.000-05:00

A few years ago, we received a phone call from my brother-in-law. He told us that his daughter Sally had just left the house and was on her way to the big city. She was hitchhiking with a friend and expected to be in the city in about 3 days. She promised to keep in tough with her parents and call us when she arrived. Her plan was to live like a street person and see what life was all about. Her father asked us to be supportive if possible, but try not to get too close as that would probably push her away from the family. We said we would do our best and she was welcome in our home.
Sally did call her parents from time to time so they knew that she was alive. We didn't hear from her for about 3 weeks. One morning, very early, maybe about 6 am, we received a call from her. She needed help. She was hungry and needed food. Would we please buy food for her and the people she was living with? And oh yes, include some milk and baby food in the order as there was a small baby living there and she wanted to do something for him. Sally gave us an address and said the door would be open so we could go right in. I asked her what she wanted and she said regular nutritious food, things like toothpaste, toilet paper etc. and a box of Count Chocula, and maybe some chocolate as it has been a long time since she tasted any of these favorites. She then hung up the phone.
Naturally, we were concerned about her health. What was one to do? We called Sally's parents. Sally's mother was not the kind of mother most of us would have like to have, but she loved her children and never abused them physically. Mentally, now that could be debatable. Sally's father always tried to do the right thing, but he himself needed to be taken care of. That's not a bad thing, many men are like that and their women do look after them. These two were both needy so it was not a good situation for a stable marriage and raising kids. I digress. Sally's father said that we shouldn't believe her and we shouldn't buy the groceries. Maybe give her $20.00 but that's all. I found that to be somewhat cold hearted, and I rejected his counsel. So I went shopping with my daughter who was about 14 at the time. It was an interesting experience. My daughter wanted to purchase all kinds of sugary cereals as they were "nutritious" as well as tasty. Lots of chocolate, cheese, fruit, some vegetables, and toiletries. When we were finished we had spent close to $300.00.
We transported all this food to an address in a seedy part of the city. Indeed the door was open. A long set of stairs immediately went up to an apartment. The smell was atrocious and got worse as we made our way up the stairs. We didn't want to believe that Sally was really living there but she was of course. There is no need to paint a picture of what we found, you can imagine it and it would be correct. What we did find were 2 huge Dobermans, very scary but they didn't hurt us, a tiny kitchen, very dirty, dirty baby bottles, everything dirty dirty dirty. I won't discuss the bathroom. One bedroomn with piles of clothes and sleeping bags covering the floor. It seemed like about 10 people all slept there together. We quickly put the food away and left. The smell clung to our clothes and made our eyes water. Looking back, all I can say is I am glad my daughter accompanied me. She saw a side of life that she would remember for a long time. She would need that picture in her mind for later years, when her own behavior became unruly. Thank you for reading and I will tell more of this unfortunate story later.

Bloggs Everywhere!

2004-06-25T09:15:00.000-05:00

This is an aside to my continuing story. There are just too many bloggings to read! I have been reading everyone and just can't keep up. So many great ones I'd like to keep in my favs, but no room and no time! I would be here all day every day but life rudely intrudes and must be answered. You are all great! I have to start imposing time limits on myself. "Maddy, you are allowed 2 hours a day to read and post". "No, I need more!" "You are allowed 2.5 hours a day". "No! More! More!" "You are allowed 3 hours a day" "No!..
Love to all! Lets go blogging!!

Street Legal

2004-06-23T23:12:00.000-05:00

Around April of every year, we have an influx of "homeless people" (hp's)in our city. These people, usually very young, but sometimes in their late 20's and early 30's, arrive in from all over the country.
Each year there will be some political fallout regarding hp's. One year it was "squeegy kids", the next is was hp's protesting on our official government facilities and the scandalous breakup of the protest. Another year it was the building of a shantytown on private but unused lands within the city. Last year it was what to do about the escalating panhandling and lay-abouts on the sidewalks. It's still too soon to tell what this year's influx will bring. The people who come into the city are added to the hp's currently existing here over the winter, so you can picture what our sidewalks are like all summer. During the winter, you don't really see anyone. Well, maybe one or two in a covered spot over a warm air vent. But for the most part, they all disappear until the warm winds of April arrive.
If you are under 30, and should you decided to come to the city and live on the street for a few months, you would find it quite a welcoming, warm and very exciting experience. For a while.
Here is a hypothetical story, Sally, a 16 year old from a small town out west decides that she has had enough of her parents for one reason or another. Sally has a little money saved and buys a Greyhound bus ticket to the city. When she arrives, she is greeted by a member of the police force or social services. There is someone always there waiting for the buses everyday. This authority figure will then take aside any youths who disembark. They will attempt to determine their ages. If Sally is under 16, she will be returned to her parents as quickly as possible. If Sally is over 16, she will be told that the city is not a good place to be and is advised to get back on the bus and go home. Sally is very brave and declines to heed their advice. Sally is then given information on shelters, support groups, free medical clinics, and other helping hands. Little Sally sallies forth on her adventure into a city of 2 million people, hot summer nights, and fun camping out in parks with new friends. Of course if Sally hitchhikes into town or comes in on a plane, she will not have access to all this help and will have to wing it on her own. Oh yes, also waiting for Sally at the bus stop may be a 1 or 2 nice looking guys who will kindly offer to take Sally under their wings and safely show her around town. Many kids under 16 manage to evade the authorities at the bus depot and these kids are especially vulnerable to pimps and other troubles on the street.
I will write more about Sally and her friends later. I know Sally very well, because I spent a lot of time with her one summer. She is a relative of mine. Right now I need to tear myself away from blogging and go to work.

Gestalt Therapy

2004-06-21T17:29:00.000-05:00

It's no use. Once a blogger, always a blogger. Even if I went to Bloggers Anonymous I could'nt overcome this addiction. I overcame cigarettes, I overcame biting my nails, I overcame eating too much in one sitting. I haven't quite overcome wine, and I doubt I will overcome blogging. I think about it all the time. Today I was chairing a meeting and what was I thinking? I wonder what Vgrrl is doing?, Where is Kevin? What happened to Osama? Leese has a good blog, I must read her archives. AJ's story was so good. Is Pastor Sam doing alright? Who is the Grave Digger and how eloquently he writes! How am I going to read and post comments when I have only a couple of hours? Should I set my alarm for 4:30 am and start then? Will anyone read my blogg? Will I have time to read all my favs before my husband comes home?
I am taking a course tomorrow and I know I will go into the library at lunch and log on. Wednesday I am going to the theatre to see "Guys and Dolls" I hope I will concentrate and act like I am really there. Thursday I need to take an online course and Friday I need to take care of my business. Mien Gott! When will I have time to blogg! What is this world coming to?
The comments I personally received from "out there" have been very uplifting and sincere. How can one give it up? I can't. Maybe this is what my husband gets from strippers. Well, maybe uplifting but surely not sincerity. Anyway, this gets better and better. What I find phenomenal is how comments become commentary. Everyone starts responding to each others comments and the catalyst is the original blog. The conversations have been quie stimulating. Some day, when I have an evening alone, I will pour myself a glass of my fav red, make up a lovely cheese plate,and sit down to talk to all my friends. Anyone out there want to start a sort of reading club? We all read a book, pour wine, and start discussing. You never know where the conversation will go among friends.

Life as Hell

2004-06-19T05:05:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted for awhile as I didn't have anything to say without revealing too much. My husband and I went to dinner with very good friends last night. I don't know whether it was the wine, my mood, or what, but all I thought about was getting back to my computer to read my favourite bloggs! And maybe write something. I've got to get a life here! The only person who knows I do this is my sister. I don't know what would transpire if my family found out. Especially my husband. Nothing probably. I tried to view OSAMA's site, today (its 5 am. here) but it has gone. He was a very good blogger. Do you suppose Osama is no more? Hopefully he will reincarnate as himself so we can enjoy his unique sense of humor.
I have had a lot of "family" problems for quite a few years now, and blogging seems to help ease the stress. My son was and continues to be very sick, so I have had to be emotionally and physically strong. This of course affected my daughter who went through a rough time too. However, she is growing up and will be o.k. At least she doesn't hate me anymore. It's true when they say that many marriages disintegrate when a child dies or bad things happen to them. One would think that people cling to each other, but in fact, they don't. They actually fly apart. While I was working hard to bring my son back from the brink of insanity, deal with my daughter's bad behavior etc. my husband took up with strippers in a very big way. Thats what ultimately brought me to TG's Place and I have never looked back. It has been said that God never gives you more than you can handle. I think God is a trickster, he gives you everything you want but just not in the way you want it. I think "He" says "You will have what you want..but along with that, comes this...", and you don't get a chance to say "No thanks, buddy, I've changed my mind". And deal you must. Some people can, and some can't. Life sucks sometimes but as the Grave Digger says, Death is silence forever (paraphrased). So we better make the best of it because that's all there is folks. Enough of this drivel! We are planning a trip to California, where I have never been so I am really happy about that. We are renting a convertible and driving from LA to SF. with stops along the way. I hear the coastal highway scenery is astounding. Assuming we survive driving the long and winding road on the side of a steep mountain, I am looking forward to that trip. It can't be worse than the "Road to Hana" which is also beauteous, but dangerous. See? There are two sides to everything. After seeing Pastor Sam's photo, I want to go to the Grand Canyon too. I hear that it is a very spiritual place. I could use some downhome spiritualism right about now. Good blogging to you all!

Blog Mad!

2004-06-14T19:42:00.000-05:00

I have stayed away from posting for a while because I am becoming obsessed with it. I thought that if I quit for a while, I would return to normal. But no, not to be. Once a blogger, always a blogger. Also, I didn't think I had anything to say. The truth is I am afraid I might reveal too much to people who have become "friends". I started feeling a real affection for my fellow bloggers. One has to be careful here! Even tho' I didn't post, I kept reading others postings and I made comments here and there, so I guess I didn't really stay away. This whole thing is like some fantasy secret life, but it's very real. There should be a Blogger's Convention in a year's time just so everyone can meet each other. I have a feeling it would be like High School reunions, but better. This is all for tonight but more to follow regarding whats on Maddy's mind.
P.S. Thank you AJ.

Casual Conversation

2004-06-07T14:02:00.000-05:00

I golfed again today with my usual group. Along with attempting to smack that silly little white ball less than 8 times per hole, we talked about politics and sex. I think a little religion was discussed as well. Talk about the three taboo subjects among friends!
Our political discussion was dispatched forthwith. "Who are you going to vote for in the coming election?" Done.
However, our sex talk lasted at least 2 of the 4 hours of playing time. Jean started it. Not me. She said, "I watched "Sex with Sue" last night and you will never guess what she told me".
"What? Jean," we say. - How to make love if you are a lesbian.
It seems that a caller was a "new" lesbian and needed to know what to do with her girlfriend. Sue told her in exquisite detail. So now we all know. Jean said she called her husband in to listen and maybe take notes.
There is another show on lately from England. It's a reality show with young couples trying out different kinds of sex, sex toys and letting us all know what they liked or didn't like. (I happened on the channel while happily clicking away if you must know) I couldn't believe that anyone would have the nerve to do and say these things in front of a worldwide audience. But I guess it amounts to that 15 minutes of fame, or something like that. This is where the religious discussion came in. Betty, a churchgoer says, "That's disgusting and these people have no morals, why can't people stick with what God gave us?" "Because they are bored with Godgiven talents and girls just want to have fun, Betty." End of religious discussion. Betty as it turns out, has an extended family rife with lesbians and gays, but heck, its the 21'st century and we are all God's children.
Back to Sue - I have learned a lot from Sue's sex shows, as has everyone in North America, allowed to stay up past 10 p.m Sunday nights. This is what I have learned:
1. Where it was once pretty much exclusively men who were able to separate love and sex, now this attitude includes women. I don't know whether this is good or bad, but for some reason, it doesn't sit right with me. Something to do with denying genetics maybe.
2. Everyone wants to have great sex and most people are too shy to express their desires, let alone how to go about getting great sex. It has always been this way, but now we have Sue to teach us all about how to get and give great sex.
3. All men would be willing to try anything with their partner (or someone else). Many more women fall in this category now as well. Don't you think that if all of humanity practised this, society would degenerate rather quickly? Where would we all be? Bonking each other on the head with clubs maybe.
4. Culturally, we are accepting the casualness of sex to such an extent that love doesn't really enter the equation anymore. I wonder if love is doomed?
5. Where will it all end? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for great sex between consenting and loving adults but where will it all end?
Remember that old movie "Logan's Run"? You could call up any kind of plaything you liked by just using a clicker like your t.v. remote. Very cool in the '70's. Maybe that capability is approaching. Not so cool. Or maybe...

Genetics

2004-06-06T14:53:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about kids lately. No, not having one - but what makes them tick.
When one makes the decision to have a child, the crapshoot begins. You never know what kind of child you are going to get. Yes, mom-to-be can, and should take very good care of herself while she is pregnant, but unless she does some serious damage, the baby's genetic makeup will determine outcomes more so than enviornment. I'm talking generally here, not extreme life situations.
What makes one child in a family survive adversity and another from the same family not survive? Genetics. How that child's brain is wired will determine how they will handle both life's trials and joys. Eveyone is very pleased when a child arrives and resembles a loved one in the family. That makes for bonding and all kinds of other loving family interactions. But what happens if your child inherits a dispositon like your dreaded Aunt Bertha? What do you do then, and can you do anything about this unfortunate situation? Yes, and no. More on that later...
A friend of mine, Beth, has a "bubbly" personality. Always did, always will. Beth said herself she has always had very high self esteem. She can't imagine anything else. Not everything in her life has been great, but she can dodge life's arrows better than most people. Her brain must be wired that way. I think that her Seratonin levels are higher than normal, thus she can't be depressed. I don't think that she can even maintain melancholy for more than an hour. Lucky, lucky woman!

Golfing with Maddness

2004-06-01T05:17:00.000-05:00

On Monday morning, I golfed with three ladies who are all about my calibre. Not too good. This group likes to talk more than golf. One of the women Lyn, has a daughter who is Bi-Polar with schizoaffective tendencies. Lyn has been taking care of her daughter for many years and is worn out. It shows on her face. Lyn also volunteers at our city's major mental health facility. Lately Laci, the daugher, has had a set back and her meds have been changed. She has gained a lot of weight because of the meds. Now Laci is feeling bad, heavily medicated and has lost her good looks, self esteem and confidence. Where the hell is God?

The Bone Collector

2004-05-31T21:13:00.000-05:00

Also on Sunday, while I was working out, after listening to Jean Vanier, I was forced to listen to a sermon by P.D. Jakes Ministeries. Well was this a production! That lesson was titled "The Bone Collector". First he spoke of unity in the community. Helping yourself and not blaming society for your troubles. Very well sermonized and useful information I thought. But how did this tie into collectiong bones? Tie in he did! Moving from the community uniting to help itself, he began speaking about helping yourself. You see, when you are down on the ground, having been beaten by life, and you just can't get up and the "devil" is laughing at you - you just get up! You force yourself out of your misery because the Bone Collector is there to take each of your bones, tiny as the broken pieces are, and "he" puts them back together and you are whole again! With the Bone Collector on my side I will never need to be alone to endure the "slings and arrows of misfortune"! P.D. Jakes is quite a televangelist. I was very inspired by his words. I can understand why these services are standing room only. Every Sunday, you get to dress up, go with your loved ones to church for a couple of hours, hear some awe inspiring preaching, a great choir, lots of theatrics at the pulpit and in the congregation. Then, when you are truly feeling like you can conquor the world, you get to go out to eat a great lunch with family and friends. Could life get any better? Vanier and P.D. Jakes all in the course of one hour of treadmilling. I went home and made a great dinner, had a couple glasses of wine and watched T.V. with my husband. A great day after all.

The Saint

2004-05-31T21:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Sunday, I spent most of the day surreptitiously reading blogs. Therefore, not much was accomplished until about 4 p.m. when I went to the gym to work out. It is a small gym at our golf club and not too many people are working out at any given time. Yesterday I was there alone. The staff had gone home and I had to let myself in by using a "fob" to open the door. I actually liked being there alone. The T.V. is tuned so that you can't turn up the volume. You have to tune into a radio station and use your headphones. My headphone wasn't working very well so I set the channel to a station I could receive somewhat, and started my workout. What should it be but a series of sermons. Oh Brother!!
Well, since I was stuck with it, I listened. The first discussion was with Jean Vanier, a great Canadian philosopher, humanitarian and christian. He is an intellectual from a very honourable family and could have had everything but no, he spent his life caring for people with mental disabilities. I had heard of him many years ago, but never listened to him. He spoke of love and acceptance of all people. Alhough this man spoke of life issues we have all heard many times before, what was striking about him was his face. When he spoke you could see a light shining out from within. If there really is a heaven, this man will be there. Maybe he does have everything. He humbles me.

Bad Dream

2004-05-27T16:04:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a very bad dream. I dreamed that I was driving my sister somewhere. God knows where. I pulled into a backwoods gas station and promptly hit some car behind me when I reversed. I was so upset that my new car was smashed up, that I gave my keys to the driver whom I hit when he asked me. I didn't even ask why. When I went into the gas station to ask about my car, everyone was gone and so was my car and my sister. The dreaded thought finally surfaced - My beautiful new car had been hyjacked and my sister with it! It was so distressing that I sat bolt upright and out of a dead sleep. It took a few seconds to realize that I was dreaming. Thank God! It was 3 am and that was the last of my sleep last night.
I golfed 9 holes today and didn't do very well as per usual. I blame it on my distressing dream and sleepless night. I wonder what I can blame a lousy score on next time I play?

Golf Deficit

2004-05-26T06:57:00.000-05:00

I golfed in the Tuesday Ladies Day yesterday. I don't know why I even bother. I think I am genetically golf-deficient. I just can't seem to get the hang of this game. Everyone else seems to improve somewhat over the years, but not me!
A joke I heard - When is golf better than sex?
When you hit a really really goooooood one!
I guess that's why I keep coming back. There is a euphoria I feel when I see this little white thing sail away in the blue sky and lightly land in the spot I intended, and all I want to do for the next few minutes is stand there and look at it. But, of course I can't. I must keep moving forward with the eternal hope that I can accomplish such perfection again.

Anyway, other than the Tuesday Ladies Day, I golf with friends some of who are as golf -deficient as I am. We socialize as we move forward. You will be surprised about what women discuss over the course of 2 hours and 9 holes. What's interesting is that there is such a diverse mix of women and their life experiences and careers, you can't help but learn something new almost every day. And what's even more interesting is that no matter what station each of these women is in life, healthy, unhealthy, wealthy, not wealthy, beautiful, not so beautiful, etc., we are all recipients of life's smacks upside the head! Talking about all these "smacks" on the golf course is like professional therapy. Some of these women are medical doctors, psychologists, and nurses, so in fact, we get professional personal therapy and advise. Maybe sometime I will talk about what we talk about. Yes, we do talk about middle age sex or the lack of it and all related subjects. Verrrrry interesting!!

New Age

2004-05-24T12:40:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you finally come to the irrefutable conclusion that pretty much all you believed and trusted to be true is not and most likely never was?

I'll tell you what happened to me. I lost 15 pounds in 15 days. The best thing that has come out of this mess is that I have a better figure now than I have had in as many years!

Normally I read a lot - books of all kinds, but through this upheaval I haven't been able to concentrate very well, so my literary intellectual life has suffered. Although I did receive some interesting Christmas gifts - "A Thousand Paths to Happiness" "R.I.P. Famous Last Words" and "The Mind of the Soul"(Gary Zukav). I get the distinct feeling that everyone is trying to tell me to pull myself together and get on with it. Whatever "it" is, I don't know, but I'm beginning to look.